Holy Crow, My Soul Mate Glitters!
by Velvet Liquor
Summary: When Bella Swan meets sparkly Edward Cullen, her life turns upside down. As she falls deeply in love with the boy she met only two days ago, she realizes love *COUGH*lust*COUGH* always comes with a heavy price to pay, including hungry hobo vampires.


Bella: But mom! Why do I have to go live with Charlie?!

Rene: Well, your _new _father wants to take on his dream career of rodeo roller disco, which is clearly far more important than you. (Pushes Bella out of the car and drives off)

(At Charlie's house)

Charlie: Geewilikers, Bella, this sure is gonna be swell! We can go to father/daughter dances, picnics, relay races-

Bella: 0_o

(At the cafeteria)

Jessica: Bella, Edward Cullen is _looking _at you! Why can't he look at me?! What, am I fat?! Thinks I'm a big fat cow, does he?! (Stuffs a brownie in her mouth)

Narrative Bella: Well, I wasn't going to just tell Jessica that she was fat (even though she is). I mean, that just _not_ what friends do.

Bella: No, Jessica, you're not fat! In fact, some people even say you look anorexic!

Jessica: _Great_! Now I'm not fat _enough_! (Runs into the girl's bathroom)

Narrative Bella: Geesh. I tell you, there are just some people who can't be cheered up no matter what.

(Biology class)

Bella: Well, here I am, in Biology, where we "biologize" things… nifty, I just made a new word! And people say Stephenie Meyer has no vocabulary.

(Suddenly, Edward Cullen sits next to Bella)

Bella: Hi.

Edward: Piss off.

Narrative Bella: Why Edward told me to "piss off", I'll never know. But it's not like I cared or anything.

(Later that night, in Bella's bedroom)

Bella: Why don't you like me?!

Narrative Bella: Ok, so maybe I cared just a little bit…

(Biology)

Edward: Hi, Bella.

Bella: Well, normally if you were anyone else, I'd tell you to "piss off" just out of spite, but since you're sexy, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Hi, Edward. Wait a minute. Your eyes are a different color. Why?!

Edward: Because I've just recently satisfied my craving for human blood.

Bella: 0_o

Edward: I mean, uh, I got contacts?

Bella: Oh, ok. That's pretty much believable.

Narrative Bella: Psh. I lied. It was soooo not believable. But I didn't tell Edward that I didn't believe him, because we're in love. Yeah, I know I've only known him for like, two ½ days, but when you're in love, you don't give a rat's ass about time.

(Cafeteria)

Jessica: Bella, aren't you going to sit with _me_?! (Whining in that "none of the guys like me, so I'm going to have to be a lesbian, but you can be a lesbian with me" kind of tone)

Bella: Uh, no! I've got eye candy now! (Prances off to Edward)

Narrative Bella: The way he pretended to eat his creamed corn and mashed potato surprise (Don't ask what the "surprise" part is all about. Believe me, you don't want to know) made my heart flutter.

Bella: Hi, Edward. I know why you have different eyes now. You're obviously a superhero, and your power is to change your eye colors.

Edward: Honestly, Bella, where did you come up with that half-assed accusation?

Bella: The latest issue of Seventeen.

Edward: Well, I can obviously see that you're a shallow, dim-witted girl, but I still dig you, because you think I'm purdee.

Bella: Well, now I think you're a vampire.

Edward: What?! What makes you think that?!

Bella: It's on the back of the book, dumb-ass.

(Parking lot)

Tyler: I dig Bella, but she loves that Cullen dude, so I'm going to run her over so no one can have her!

Narrative Bella: So, anyway, I was on my way to my truck, and I was about to get in, but then I saw Edward, and he smiled at me, and my brain sort of turned to mush, and-HOLY CRAP! A CAR!

BOOM! CRUNCH! BAM!

Tyler: Damn, I missed.

Bella: Oh, hey, Edward. Wait, Edward?! What the hell are _you _doing here?! And why are you touching my boobs?!

Edward: First, I just saved you! See that big dent in Tyler's car? And second, what boobs?! I swear, a piece of cardboard's got more elevation than you! And the only reason I was even touching your nonexistent boobs in the first place was because I had to push you to the ground! I mean, would you rather I touch somewhere else? (Thinking shoulders)

Bella: (Looks down) Well…(_Not_ thinking shoulders)

Edward: 0_o

(Bella is shopping with Jessica and some other chick. Jessica starts making out with the other chick)

Bella: Ok, then. I'm just gonna leave now, ok?

Narrative Bella: I was like, walking, and then these three creepy guys started following me, so I passed the brightly lit gift shop surrounded by police officers who could have helped me, and ran into the dimly lit alley.

Random Thug #1: Sup, Sugar Lip.

Bella: Sugar lips?!

Random Thug #2: Well, you see, you've got powdered sugar on your lips from the donut that you ate exactly thirty-three minutes ago.

Random Thug #3: Not that we were following you around, or anything…

Bella: Don't come near me, I've got pepper spray! (Starts to spray, but doesn't realize that she's holding the can backwards) Aaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!!

My eyes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Random Thugs #1 and 2 slowly walk to a now red-eyed Bella)

(Suddenly, a big, shiny Volvo smacks into Random Thug #3, and Random Thugs #1 and 2 run away)

Narrative Bella: It was Edward (Who else?) who saved me (Again). I swear, when he got out his car, he was glowing gold, and I'm pretty sure I could hear choir voices somewhere.

Edward: Get in the car.

Bella: You know, I don't get in just any boy's car. We have to know each other _really _well…(Thinking bom-chicka-wah-wah)

Edward: How about I just give you this piece of candy instead?

Bella: That'll do.

Narrative Bella: Hey, chocolate's just as good.

(Native American Resort)

Narrative Bella: Well, I met this Native American kid, Jacob Black, and I wanted him to tell me more about the Cullens, so I decided I'd just sex myself up for him.

Bella: (Moves closer to Jacob, and unsuccessfully attempts to use a sexy voice) Hey, Jakey-poo…

Jacob: Well, I'm only a fourteen year old boy, so I find the fact that you just used the term "poo" highly amusing. Hahahahaha! You said poo!

Bella: (Is not amused)

(Cafeteria)

Edward: Bella, I want you to lie to your father and tell him that you'll be shopping with that lesbo friend of yours, but instead, you'll be drooling over me in the middle of the woods where no one can find us.

Bella: Of course, Edward!

(In the meadow)

Bella: I love you, Edward.

Edward: I love you, Bella.

(Suddenly, the clouds move away from the sun)

Edward: I sparkle. (Shimmer-shimmer)

Bella: We don't even need a disco ball for the prom, we can just use you!

(Edward's house)

Edward: Bella, you're not safe here anymore, so we're taking you to Indonesia.

Bella: Indonesia?!

Edward: I kid. We're taking you to Thailand.

Bella: -_-

Narrative Bella: So, anyway, when Alice and Jasper brought me to the airport, I high-tailed it out of there and flew to Arizona. (The author of this parody forgot to mention why, so let's just say that I missed my mommy) Well, instead of going to _my _house to find Rene, I went to the dance studio, because I saw a sign that said that they were selling pudding there (Don't ask).

James: Ha! I lured you here!

Bella: Curse you and your knowledge of my love of pudding!

(James breaks Bella's leg)

Bella: Noooo-wait. Are you actually selling pudding here?

James: Well, I was, but I just sold the last one.

Bella: Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(James bites Bella. Not on the neck, on the hand, because in this novel, vampires glitter in the sunlight and suck blood from the hand, instead of the neck)

(Suddenly, a big, shiny Volvo crashed through the wall and runs over James)

Bella: Edward! What are you doing here?!

Edward: I was lured here as well by my affection towards pudding.

Narrative Bella: That's when I absolutely _knew _that we were soul mates, because Edward had a pudding fetish, just like me. However, my hand suddenly began to burn.

Bella: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! Fire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Edward walks over to the sink, fills a cup with water, and dumps it on Bella's hand)

Bella: WTF?!

(On the way to the prom)

Bella: (All dolled up) Grrrrrr….

Edward: (Smirking) Why so glum, Bella?

Bella: I look horrible! Why'd we have to come?!

Edward: C'mon, Bella, it's not _that _bad!

Bella: I've got a broken leg, a crooked nose, three cracked ribs, and a fractured collarbone!

Edward: I thought all James did to you was break your leg?

Bella: He did, but _you _accidentally dropped me while coming down the stairs!

Edward: Oh, yeah, that's right…

(Edward and Bella start dancing at the prom, but putting a girl with a broken leg in high heeled shoes isn't exactly the _smartest _thing to do, and she accidentally steps on Edward's foot, causing it to break. Hard. But don't worry, fan girls, Edward and Bella get to share a hospital room, and they can still hold hands, because that's the only thing on Bella that's not currently broken, cracked, fractured, or injured in any way due to a klutz-induced accident)

Narrative Bella: Oh, and by the way, we did use Edward as a disco ball.

* * *

_**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**_

**Fixed the old parody.**

**R&R please.**


End file.
